I am so sorry. I mean it. I am so very sorry. I tried to ask how it was going to go. I tried to ask how it was going to work out; how to make it work out. I am failing you. I was worried this very thing was going to happen. I was assured by other mothers that it wouldn’t and that things would naturally work themselves out.
I don’t feel like they are.
Before your sister was born, I was worried that I wouldn’t be enough for you. I was so worried that your sweet little face would be forced to stare at me from across the room….lonely, and unable to tell me. I was so worried that you would be crying and need me, and I would be tending to the many newborn needs of your sister, unable to be there for you. I cried at night, sometimes in regret, thinking about what I had done to you, by having your sister. Would you understand? Would you instinctively know? Would you allow me the grace to be distant from you, during this time?
I prayed so very hard.
Please, God, don’t let him become lonely at my expense. Please, God, don’t let him ever think I love him any less. Please, God, let me still be his 100% mommy, during this transition. Please, God, give me the ability to do all this without hurting his heart. Please, God, please!
And I failed…..
There are times you fall and cry and need me….and I am in the middle of nursing your sister. You run to me in tears and I try so hard to pick you up, to comfort you, but there isn’t room in my lap, at the moment. The look on your face breaks my heart. I cry everyday because I cannot be there for you, like before. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes you see my crying and you softly say to me, “Momma.” It melts me. Because I think you know. I think you know I am sad about our relationship. I think you are also sad about it. You love your sister so much. You are constantly trying to give her kisses.
But sometimes you get angry.
Sometimes you are too rough with her on purpose. Sometimes you hit her. And I am ashamed to say, you receive too many spankings, for it. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell at you, tell you No!, and spank you. And on those days I cry the most. I am trying so hard to raise you not to be a brat. I want you to have manners and respect and with that comes tough love…..but right now, in this season- in this transition- I want nothing more than to scoop you up and love you hard. Love you so hard that you would never question my love for you again. Love you so hard that our hearts sync the way they used to during our snuggle time. Love you so hard that you fully understand there will never be anyone to replace you….ever.
But right now I can’t.
Right now I am struggling. Right now I mourn you. Right now I am trying so hard and failing. Right now is just as hard on me as it is you. Right now I am a terrible mother to you. And I am so sorry. I can’t express how sorry I am. And I want nothing more than for our relationship to be what it used to be. Please tell me it will be. Please tell me you are okay. Please show me you understand how much I love you. Please! No one can affirm that to my heart but you. No one can assure me enough that it will all work out, but you. But you can’t, can you? Of course not. You’re almost two. I know you won’t remember this stage….scratch that…I pray you won’t remember this stage. I pray even harder that it doesn’t affect your heart, in the future. Please know how very much I love you. Please do.
Will you forgive me? Can you forgive me? Please, God, let him forgive me.
Your Mediocre Mom