Tag Archives: tantrums

The Toddler’s Guide to Wine

Hi. My name is Page and I have a toddler. You, too? Well, then allow me to offer you a hug and a glass of wine. Join me on the sofa where the cushions contain missing pairs of dirty socks and hidden nuggets. Never mind the carpet. Or the laundry room. If I could get to a few loads maybe I could at least shut the door. Anywho….back to the whine, I mean wine. Since you are also the mom of a toddler, whether it’s the terrible two’s or threenagers, you know they come with a whole range of emotional outbursts. Sometimes they are victorious exclamations of conquering the living room lava river and other times they are full-blown fits of grocery store rage meant to test which level of law enforcement we intend on involving. Don’t tell me you haven’t considered if it’s worth going to jail over. I know you have. Ha!

It’s okay, momma, there is a wine guide.

Did you know these toddlerisms have appropriate types of wine? Well then, let me introduce you to them. It’s good to keep a few of these handy; especially if you are parenting a child between the ages of 18 months – 3.5 years.

1. They spent the night at Grandma’s = Morning Mimosas

Champagne technically falls on the dry side of white wine….but, yes, this deserves a drink! If my little curtain climber stays the night at Grandma’s….you bet your brunch I’m having a Mimosa in the morning! Why not?! Don’t answer that. I’m not saying get tanked before 10 a.m. But I am saying you need a celebratory adult beverage that is both refreshing and, well, reminds you of the first morning of your honeymoon. Trust me. Find a bottle of champagne and a good orange juice and enjoy a grown-up breakfast beverage before you pick up the kids and get busy with life.

2. They have just started potty training/your attempt at being a Pinterest mom = Pinot Noir

Pinot Noir is a red wine that is right over the line of being sweet, which means it’s average between dry and sweet, but not too sweet. Let’s face it. You’ve made 100 gazillion trips to the potty to instill the meaning of “going potty,” with absolutely no actual potty success. You know it’s part of the gig, but at the end of the day you are exhausted. I mean, did you even remember to watch the clock to make them try every hour on the hour? Probably not. Me either, by the way. And if this is one of those craftsy days where you spent too much time the night before on Pinterest, well…….then you’ve also been busy trying to referee the use of glue, finger paints and salt dough. So after they are in bed, a full glass of pinot noir is in order. It’s not on the strong side, so it’s just right after a long days busy work with the rug rats.

3. They have cabin fever, boredom, and sugar and are on a destructive path through the house….for maybe all day = Sauvignon Blanc

Okay….we all have these days. Especially in the winter when it’s too dadgum cold, or wet, or both, to be outside letting them blow some steam. And yes I, too, have bundled them up and sent them outside when it was too cold, or wet, or both to try anyway. But sometimes it just can’t happen. And when those times are upon us, the kids think it’s a free-for-all pass to act crazy and destroy every room they enter. You may also recognize those days when you get tired of straightening massive messes, yelling at them to straighten them, or just give up and let them trash the place. I am guilty of all three. But when they fall asleep, and the house is trashed, it serves me right to pour a glass of sauvignon blanc and take my sweet time using the foot mop to push as many toys against the wall as I can. I need to make a path to the kitchen that doesn’t involve me stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night. Wait….I TOTALLY meant that I pick up the house before bed while drinking my wine (wink, wink). Sauvignon blanc is a white wine that’s strong, a bit dry and just right for me not to have to worry over it staining my teeth….I mean carpet, as I stumble around all those damn toys.

4. Your husband is out of town working (day three of five) and the dog is sick to her stomach…on your carpet (a.k.a. The Single Mom) = Red/Rose Zinfandel

Hear me out….. We are strong. We are mothers. We can roar with the best of them and then devour our enemies. But after three days of manning the troops alone and everything possible going wrong while you don’t have any help, a really strong red wine is in order. Don’t be afraid to pull this one out before the kids’ bedtime. It’s necessary. There’s no telling what time you will get to bed, so don’t put this one off. Pop a few Tylenol and pour a glass. Cheers, momma bear!

5. Day 5 of the same scenario above = a shot of whiskey

Yep, I said it. Sometimes wine doesn’t cut it. Neither does Nyquil, or beer, or melatonin. This is when Grandma comes over to let you catch a nap (that you and I both know you won’t take). It’s also when you take your butt back to your bedroom, shut and lock the door, and take a shot of whiskey! Don’t smell it, don’t over think it. Just take a big swig, lay down and close your eyes for a few moments. Your husband will be home tomorrow. He’ll see the dog’s stains on the carpet, smell the house, and see the bottle on the bathroom counter….and he’ll completely understand. He may even ask you why it took you to day 5 to pull it out.

6. A full blown tantrum meant to test who in the general public will call 9-1-1 = a bottle of what ever you want, sweetie

Yes, there is such a thing as picking your own when it comes to toddler wine. Ha! Episodes like these earn you what ever your heart desires. Maybe that’s a case of beer. Maybe it is a milkshake and half a chocolate cake to yourself. Maybe it’s leaving them at a safe-house for the time being. Totally kidding about that last part. Maybe. So have at it momma. My tip…take the whole bottle with you. No need in worrying about serving sizes when one of these babies shows up in the grocery store.

7. It was a good day and the kids went to bed peacefully on time = Riesling or White Zinfandel

Ah, alas….we end with the very thing we pray happens every day. The kids were happy. The kids listened when asked/told what to do. They didn’t put up a fight when it came to eating and bedtime routines, and actually went to sleep when they were supposed to. Mom, it’s time to pull out the Riesling, run a hot bath and enjoy a light, white, sweet glass of cool wine. It was a really great day. Savor it. You deserve it.

There you have it! Tell me, what are some drink ideas you suggest while enduring the challenges of parenting toddlers? Be sure to leave them in the comments.

Cheers!

Your Mediocre Mom